ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
