My cat gives me a boner
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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