ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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