Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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