I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
