i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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