Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
