gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Randomize
