The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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