So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize