omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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