If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
