Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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