Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
