You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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