a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
