the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
