I will die if light touches me.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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