Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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