Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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