The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
