my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
