every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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