Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
