Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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