how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
