i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
