Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize