hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
