He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Pants are for mortals
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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