i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
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I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize