I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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