It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
