I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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