did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He did a backflip because drugs
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