I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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