woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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