So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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