dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
