got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
