just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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