The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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