i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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