Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
