you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She told me I should be a condom model.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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