I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
