I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
