My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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