I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We don't watch enough power rangers
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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