ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
