I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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