yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
