I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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