in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
