dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize