Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
