It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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