that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
