it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
