its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
