So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize