I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
