News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
