this just has baby written all over it
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Randomize
