dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Your cock deserves a montage
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
