Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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