How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
