i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
